Thursday, October 18, 2007

October 18th 2007
I have not checked in yesterday as I was simply not in the mood....I seem to keep getting angrier and nastier as each day passes.... yesterday was a peak for me I think.... I was super nasty yesterday...snapped at my wife all day.... snapped at a nieghbor who came into my store, I kind of told him to go f-himself in a nice way.... customers are noticing that I am very tense.... this is really becoming a problem... I realize that not all of this anger and stress is comming from my withdrawl, I do understand that my situation with my career is definetly putting me over the egde... however... a smoke used to be my source of relaxation.... as much as all of us quitters tell ourselves that smoking doesn't do anything for us to calm us down..... and it probably doesnt... but over the years our bodies have become so use to that lie that it actually does believe that its a stress reliever and I think that in a way, psychologically it does turn the volume down quite a bit.... Everyone says "its in your head" and thats exactly where it is and where is should be.... if my brain believes that a smoke will calm me down... then it probably will... and I know that its a matter of reprogramming that belief, however it takes time to rewire was has been programmed over many years.... and unfortunately the side effect of doing so are seriously effecting my daily routines and my life at this point. And I know what you are all thinking.... excuses.... excuses.... excuses...and yes it is an excuse... however this excuse in my eyes is something to put in the forefront of my battle. And I know each of us has that "one" excuse which we believe is the "master of all excuses" but I dont think that this problem compares to "my girlfriend dumped me" or any other excuse which will not have a changing result wether you smoke or not.... In my case its seriously affecting my work...my livelyhood... my bottom line ... which I need to correct in order to put food on the table and pay my mortgage. So its not only effecting me it affecting my family, which is the reason why I decided to quit in the first place.

Not only have I noticed my anger and temper erupt like a volcano.... but there is also another serious problem I am noticing.... I thought that it might have not had anything to do with Chantix... but now I am pretty certain that it does.... I am extremely fatigued all day. I am tired and lazy all day and by the time I get home from work.... my body is so tired, that all I want to do is lay down and dont get up... Notice I said lay down... not Sleep.... as lately, even though I feel very tired, I cannot fall asleep until around 2am. (And guess what else I do when I cant sleep.... EAT! but thats a battle I am willing to fight) However, the laziness and tiredness is also another factor affecting my work... along with other things such as my sex life.... my wife is seriously pissed at me about this.... A) I am very tired when I get home lately, B) the mood that I am in lately is definetly not something that I would call 'horny', C) it seems that I have lost my sex drive from taking these pills and/or from all of the above symptoms which may or may not be direct side effects of Chantix... it may simply be withdrawl symptoms.... but in either case, I am not very happy with where I am right now..... Yes I have been smoke free for over a week... GREAT! but look at all the shit I have to go through to get here and Stay here...I got a feeling that this may only be the beginning of more shit to come.... because I still feel like I have not blown up yet... I feel like things are bottling up and I will evetually expode on someone. I need to avoid that!
I definetly do not want to go back to smoking a pack a day...... so my question is this:
can I stay on Chantix while still having one or two cigarettes a day... when I feel that I need it most. And please dont give me that one leads to a pack line... as I realize that and I am willing to continue to battle against that.... by continuing to take chantix... and fighting the habits.... however maybe, just maybe, that one or two smokes a day will ease at the very least one of symptoms... hopefully the mental one... which makes me very tense, stressed and angry... because as days go by... my wife loses more and more of her willingness to understand my illness.... and keeps bringin up the lack of sex... and I got a bad feeling that she will be the one who I will expode on... and I want to avoid that. As much as she says that she is behind me on my quitting smoking.... she doesnt realize that I am fragile right now and that she has to tippy-toe around me and attempt to keep me calm.... on the contrary she un-intentionally pushes my buttons.... which simply makes me more angry.

I am contemplating the following options...
1- stop taking chantix and go back to smoking (attempting to smoke only a few a day on my own)
2- continueing chantix but smoking a few a day and hope that this eases the problem(s) mentioned above.
3- continue taking chatix for a little longer.... attempt to stay on track.... while taking a chance that I may explode on someoneat work or home... therefore this will not solve any of the problems I mentioned above unless someone with similar expereince tells me that these symptoms will go away VERY SOON
4- I am open to suggestions....

I need advice.... please get this blog exposed to others that you blog with... maybe someone who had similar problems will have some better advice.... other then words of wizdom... I need truly realistic advice.............. thank you in advance.

7 comments:

maggie said...

Jesse, it sounds like you have *a lot* on your plate right now.

If you think that the Chantix itself might be part of the problem, please check with your doctor about maybe reducing the dose or some other solution so that you are not so darn tired.

As far as not telling you that having one or two cigarettes a day will just lead right back into being a real, live smoker instead of someone quitting smoking, well, OK, I didn't say it, then. But you already know that this is the case whether you decide to go that avenue or not. It's up to you, but gosh, you've already come this far, haven't you? Would you really want to just give that up only to have to someday re-do this? I think you've made more progress than you give yourself credit for.

I don't know if you have the option to talk to someone about what to do with how you are feeling now that smoking isn't there to cover it up (at least for me, smoking did cover up some things that I now have to face), but if that's really not an option, maybe try doing the basic things like taking deep breaths or counting to 10 before erupting. It's hard to say what's the Chantix, what's the quit,and what's just been there but hidden underneath smoking, but it's worth addressing as best you can - as someone becoming a non-smoker.

About your wife, I do hope you won't be offended, but I have to say it that if things are as you say, she really needs to be reminded to understand that this is likely temporary and that you'll likely be alive a hell of a lot longer if she can just put up with this relatively minor bit that's going on right now while you are becoming a healthier person. If you are in ICU or dead, she's really not going to be getting any. OK, I should erase that, but I'm feeling a little feisty today, too. If your wife has not already read this *excellent* article on
Helping a Smoker Quit, it's well worth a read. Maybe she just doesn't get it, or maybe she's trying to be supportive in ways that you are interpreting differently (crazy, I know, but I've been totally guilty of that plenty of times).

In any case, do pay attention to the anger stuff and do something about it if it seems really beyond what it ought to be. Realize that if you do choose to go back to smoking, you'll either get to go through all this hell all over again (and P.S. it really does get better), or you will eventually die. I'm sorry to sound like a hard ass, but I know that you can *absolutely* continue on the path as a non-smoker if you decide that it's worth the effort.

If you are not sure today, how about staying on track just for today and see how you feel tomorrow morning? If you still aren't sure then, maybe give it another day. You see where this is going.

Jesse, hang tight. I know you can do this. It sucks, it really and most truly does, but it is so damn worth it. You know that's true. I know that you know. You've made it a week already, so you can't bullshit yourself that you aren't capable when we all know that you are.

Did I mention that it really *does* get better? It does.

Please talk to your doctor if things seem out of whack, and please keep going.

MamaFlo said...

Jesse, I agree completely with Maggie (even before reading her comment), I was going to essentially tell you the same thing.
First - talk with your doctor.
Second - Do what your doctor suggests.
We are not professionals, what we are, are people like you trying to quit smoking. What works for one is not necessarily going to work for another. This is a tough monkey to get off your back and it should be done on the advice of your doctor. It is possible you are one of the people that cannot take Chantix.
CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR - Now!

Chris said...

I had a patch where I was tired and beyond cranky to down right angry a lot of the time. Fortunately, I did not have all the other stress you are facing so I got past it without exploding. What comes next is much, much better and obviously much healthier. And that is our goal.

That being said, in addition to echoing the advice of speaking to a doctor only you can decide whether you can endure more of the same.

Tasina said...

A) Not to sound like a parrot, but please do check with your doctor - especially if you think you might be a serious threat to yourself or others. If A seems ok then...

B) We have all been through this. Go to my blog and read some of my tantrums. It just seems so crazy to put yourself through this torture to quit something that you LOVE to do. It seems to make no sense at all.

C) Try to de-construct some of what you're saying. You're tired all the time. Of course you are. Nicotine is a stimulant and now you don't have it. Or maybe you're a little depressed. I was. I MISSED my smokes. I don't want to try to diagnose you, but you need to explore some of the causes of these things - lack of nicotine, Chantix, other things, etc.

D) After you get to what you think is causing things, try to think of some non-smoking solutions. Read the other blogs and see what other people have done. Go to some other quit sites for tips.

E) I would recommend you have your wife read some of the other blogs on here. My husband had NO CLUE what I was going through with this until he started reading my stuff and some others. I would also haver her go watch the YouTube video about the guy filming his mother's last days before dying of lung cancer.

(I think one of the most frustrating things is how chirpy all these damn comments sound. There were days when I was feeling very low about this whole process and deliberately DID NOT write anything about it because I didn't want some cheery jerk telling me to be a trooper.)

You'll be ok. This is a HARD thing to do. Be a trooper. Cheers! ;)

Sherri said...

Just like everyone else, I am not a doctor and I will not diagnose. All other times I tried to quit anger was at the top of my side-affects/symptoms. That and depression. Depression will suck the energy/life right out of you. Find something positive to focus your attention on.Maybe more than one positive thing. My focus has been fresh air, moving my body (a nice walk around the block), or sucking on a Dum Dum. Hang in there, talk to your doctor and your wife, maybe even a colleague or friend.

MY said...

Jesse I can completely relate to what you are going through...Around day ten I believe I was really questioning if I could do this or not...I was extremely on edge and snapped at my husband I can't tell you how many times...also working with teenagers all day long...they were also getting on my nerves...I did manage to get past it by....taking some deep breathes everytime the thought crossed my mind to smoke....drinking a glass of water...and walking, I began forcing myself to walk on the dusty treadmill that sits in my family room....there have been many days making the 20 mile one way commute to work that I didn't think I would make it home I was so tired....Jesse I don't know if you believe in a Higher power or not ...but I started asking for strength and joy and patience...it really helped....also don't entertain the thoughts of smoking....where the mind goes the man will follow... You have been doing a wonderful job and keep it up ...we are all here for you...if all else fails go to Wal-mart and buy some popcorn balls....:) MY

Pluck said...

One more thing.

To quote what a wise man said on October 11, "SCREW THAT I WILL KEEP TRYING".

Now that is productive anger.