Oct. 19th 2007

I would like to firstly thank all of my fellow quitters/bloggers for their support....
However I realized something....what I realized is... that I will not hear feedback or comments from the people that gave up on chantix and/or quitting... being that those people are not longer bloggers..... I just sat down and thought about it... if I was to give up right now... I would possibly post another 1 or 2 posts... and then queitly dissapear unnoticed into the 'cloud of smoke'- why would I want to continue blogging here only to get served up on a platter by all of you folks who continue to stay committed.... It would simply make me feel worse, then I would already feel, by submitting to cigarettes.
- OR ON THE OTHER HAND -
Maybe those who gave up on Chantix/Quitting and went back to smoking.... maybe they had thier reasons ("excuses") Maybe they now feel Better and/or Happier... not having to go thru the depresion.... the anger... the anxiety.... the insomnia.... and so on.... maybe they are simply happy to have made that descision.... HOWEVER I do not hear that side of the story as... there are no Active Bloggers on this forum who gave feedback on thier behalf....

Also, this is my very first attempt at quitting.... and maybe just maybe.... aside from the Nasty Withdrawl... and side effects.... maybe the timing is wrong for me to quit right now.... I simply may just have too much on my plate right now.... For crying out loud... I am in the process of Shutting down a 9 year old business which was built from the ground up by my wife and I.... That alone puts a great toll of stress and depression on a human... now throw in the stress and depression that comes with nicotine withdrawl.... and top that off with Chantix which is most probably enhancing those nasty symptoms.....its simply adding fuel to the fire.

What I am saying is .... I know that quitting [smoking] is the way to go.... I want to quit... I need to quit.... however... It might just be a good idea for me to use this first attempt at quitting as a learning expereince.... Go thru the life changes, career changes and so on which I need to go through right now.... and try again... except next time I will know what to be ready for and I will be prepared... my wife will have more knowledge of how her role should be played.... I will choose a time which is less stressful in my life.... and maybe then I would be a successful quitter.

Now I am not saying that I have totally made my mind up on this topic.... I am still on the fence.... which reminds me..... I forgot to take a pill this morning (this is my second time) and while we are on the topic of "remembering"..... Memory loss is also playing a big role in my side effects.... I have already noted in last week's blog that I forgot to turn off the faucet in the kitchen after I turned it on.... But yesterday... just another fine example of memory lapse.... I blanked out when I needed to enter a password for one of my websites... this is a password which I type in EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past year... I mean I never even had to think about it... or even look at the keyboard.... it was engraved in my memory.... and my fingers would automatically click away at the keyboard.....but yesterdayI BLANKED OUT! .... After many tries of entering the wrong password..... I had to litterally get up and walk around my desk as it was frustrating me that I couldne remember it.....then I sat down and had to attempt multiple passwords again until It magically popped back into my head..... and I actually said to myself "OHHH YEAH THATS IT!" That was wierd.... Even in my pot smoking days... I never had memory lapses like that...

So are the symptoms bareable??? Yes.... but in the right time and the right place!
One can deal with the anger, and depression, and the anxiety, fatigue, and insomnia and memory loss, not to mention the less intrusive side effects such as headaches, dizzy spells, bloated stomach, and so on..... its all bareable and one can force him/herself to deal with those symptoms until the disapear.... in the right place at the right time in his/her life.... It makes it much harder when you are tackling these things in a time when you have just been hit with an abundance of personal issues... such as closing a business.... now you are forced to battle twice as much stress, depression, anger and so on.... and what makes it harder is that now you have to work at a faster pace... do more things to get your shit in order, but you cannot cause you feel fatigue and you cannot concentrate on multiple tasks that need to be done because you are in that foggy state state of mind......

So i figure instead of bitching about these symptoms as I have been doing.... I would exrpess my thoughts on them .... and possibly take some sort of action.... one way or another.... like I said I am still on the fence.... I want to quit... but I dont think I able to deal with these symptoms AT THIS TIME.... its the weekend.... tomorrow is my day off... I will try to clear my mind of everything and make a descision....