October 11 2007 - 5pm

I really had nothing new to add from yesterdays blog other then I am still smoke free, but it seems to be getting harder as the realization of me not picking up another cigarette is putting a damper on things.... maybe I am not meant to completely quit just yet... is it so wrong if I become a social smoker... you know after a few drinks, or have one after dinner.... obviously never go back to smoking over a pack a day... or is that a false truth.... will I end up where I started.... smoking a pack a day.... this thought keeps running through my mind... as I keep getting the cravings... the more these thoughts of having just 1 cigarette run across my mind.

I would not be the cranky, snappy, irritated mother f*cker I think that I have become since I quit. Yes I said it.... up until now I have stayed quiet about this... but the truth must come out... my wife has been telling me that I have become cranky.... and that I snap at insigificant things... but NOW my customers at work are telling me that I seem irritated and cranky. So I start to think will I feel better if I knew that I had a "reward" comming to me at the end of the day. At least thats what worked the when I first started quitting with Chantix... the first week I significantly cut down and I was able to keep cutting down with the thought of.... "I will hold off for another hour"... then unwillingly it turned into 3 or 4, but at the end I knew that I would have that desire fulfilled eventually. I would have my smoke! And maybe, just maybe if I do decide to "unofficially quit" by having that one cigarette at the end of the day... I may turn away from it and decide that I can do without it. As of right now ... I began to smell the stench of cigarette smoke... pedestrians walk past my store smoking, and when I have my door open I smell it.... if a customer walks in after just having a cigarette... they stink... and I finally smell it ... thats how I used to stink... which is why I may just decide to quit thereafter. And lately thanks to Chantix while I was still smoking the cigarettes were undesirable... they even tasted differently.

Maybe if I knew that I will have that one smoke, it just might calm my nerves.... This might be well worth trying. Hell at this point I even understand those who would tell me otherwise... but maybe they are not in the same situation as I am... maybe they are a stay at home mom who has no customers frustrating her, or maybe its someone that works in an office in front of a computer all day with no outside comunication other then the actaul computer.... but in my case I deal with people all day... everyday.... and Its one thing to piss off my wife... at least she knows why Im crabby and 'tries' to understand... but customers/clients pay my bills. And as nice as I try to be lately, my facial expression tells a different story. I see it myself... I seem tense and constatnly chewing on a plastic toothpick or straw. Its either that or I eat... and we already had that discussion. I really dont want to smoke...well, not the way I did before and I dont know if i want to smoke at all but..... If KNOWING that I can have that one cigarette at the end of the day... might help in the issue I described above....................SCREW THAT I WILL KEEP TRYING.... BUT THAT THOUGHT KEEPS POPPING UP ON A REGULAR.