October 23rd 2007
After much consideration and truly difficult deliberation.... I have decided to stop taking Chantix
Over the weekend... I decided to stop taking the pills and see where that goes... well to be honest... I feel GREAT.... it seems as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders... I feel happier... less angry at the world.... therefore the side effect which I have been worried about have pretty much tapered down to a level which I can deal with ... It may also have to do with the fact that I decided that I would do my best on my own to stay as smoke free as I can... meaning that I will have that occassional cigarette.
And so I have.... I had a few puffs on saturday when we went out drinking..... and had a cigarette on sunday when we went to a party..... and didnt really like it much ....so I was able to actually go without any smoking on Monday.... I dont know if it will stay that easy.... but this is what I have decided.... and I am a happier person for it. I do plan on going back to chantix and making another attempt at quitting completely in the not so distant future..... but for now, it was just not the right time for me to do so.....
Even though I had a few puffs here and there.... to be honest I didnt enjoy it.... I only did it for the habits which are so hard to erase..... Its probably the chantix still in my system.... MY GOAL [FOR NOW] IS TO BE A SOCIAL SMOKER.....I WILL DO MY BEST TO KEEP FROM GOING BACK TO A PACK A DAY.... I WILL EVENTUALLY POST MY THOUGHTS ON HERE AND PIONEER THE WAY FOR THOSE WHO ARE IN MY SHOES.... AND I WILL BLOG ON BEHALF OF THOSE WHO [AT THIS TIME] HAVE NO VOICE.....THOSE WHO BELIEVE THAT QUITTING [W/CHANTIX] IS NOT RIGHT FOR THEM AT THIS TIME OR EVER.... IN NO WAY AM I CONDONING MY BEHAVIOR [SMOKING]... NOR DO I THINK THAT ANYONE ATTEMPTING TO QUIT SMOKING SHOULD STOP.... AND HOPEFULLY SOON ENOUGH I WILL BE BACK ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS STORY ONCE AGAIN, AS A SUCCESSFUL QUITTER! BUT UNFORTUNATELY, THE WITHDRAWL AND SIDE EFFECTS WHERE ADDING TO INSULT TO INJURY AT THIS TIME IN MY LIFE.... ONCE I GET MY AFFAIRS IN ORDER... I DO PLAN ON TAKING ANOTHER STAB AT QUITTING AND I PLAN ON FOLLOWING THROUGH TO THE END!
IN THE MEAN TIME I CANNOT SAY THAT NOTHING POSSITIVE CAME OUT OF THIS ATTEMPT, I NOW KNOW THAT I DO NOT NEED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE AS A REWARD TACTIC, OR AS A STRESS RELIVER...AND I ACTUALLY SMELL THE NASTY ODOR WHICH SMOKERS CARRY WITH THEM............... I JUST HOPE I CAN STAY ON THIS ROAD WHICH I HAVE COME TO.... ONLY MAKE THAT RIGHT TURN ON TO THE PATH OF SUCCESS IN THE NEAR FUTURE..
BE WELL & STAY STRONG
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
Oct. 19th 2007
I would like to firstly thank all of my fellow quitters/bloggers for their support....
However I realized something....what I realized is... that I will not hear feedback or comments from the people that gave up on chantix and/or quitting... being that those people are not longer bloggers..... I just sat down and thought about it... if I was to give up right now... I would possibly post another 1 or 2 posts... and then queitly dissapear unnoticed into the 'cloud of smoke'- why would I want to continue blogging here only to get served up on a platter by all of you folks who continue to stay committed.... It would simply make me feel worse, then I would already feel, by submitting to cigarettes.
- OR ON THE OTHER HAND -
Maybe those who gave up on Chantix/Quitting and went back to smoking.... maybe they had thier reasons ("excuses") Maybe they now feel Better and/or Happier... not having to go thru the depresion.... the anger... the anxiety.... the insomnia.... and so on.... maybe they are simply happy to have made that descision.... HOWEVER I do not hear that side of the story as... there are no Active Bloggers on this forum who gave feedback on thier behalf....
Also, this is my very first attempt at quitting.... and maybe just maybe.... aside from the Nasty Withdrawl... and side effects.... maybe the timing is wrong for me to quit right now.... I simply may just have too much on my plate right now.... For crying out loud... I am in the process of Shutting down a 9 year old business which was built from the ground up by my wife and I.... That alone puts a great toll of stress and depression on a human... now throw in the stress and depression that comes with nicotine withdrawl.... and top that off with Chantix which is most probably enhancing those nasty symptoms.....its simply adding fuel to the fire.
What I am saying is .... I know that quitting [smoking] is the way to go.... I want to quit... I need to quit.... however... It might just be a good idea for me to use this first attempt at quitting as a learning expereince.... Go thru the life changes, career changes and so on which I need to go through right now.... and try again... except next time I will know what to be ready for and I will be prepared... my wife will have more knowledge of how her role should be played.... I will choose a time which is less stressful in my life.... and maybe then I would be a successful quitter.
Now I am not saying that I have totally made my mind up on this topic.... I am still on the fence.... which reminds me..... I forgot to take a pill this morning (this is my second time) and while we are on the topic of "remembering"..... Memory loss is also playing a big role in my side effects.... I have already noted in last week's blog that I forgot to turn off the faucet in the kitchen after I turned it on.... But yesterday... just another fine example of memory lapse.... I blanked out when I needed to enter a password for one of my websites... this is a password which I type in EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past year... I mean I never even had to think about it... or even look at the keyboard.... it was engraved in my memory.... and my fingers would automatically click away at the keyboard.....but yesterdayI BLANKED OUT! .... After many tries of entering the wrong password..... I had to litterally get up and walk around my desk as it was frustrating me that I couldne remember it.....then I sat down and had to attempt multiple passwords again until It magically popped back into my head..... and I actually said to myself "OHHH YEAH THATS IT!" That was wierd.... Even in my pot smoking days... I never had memory lapses like that...
So are the symptoms bareable??? Yes.... but in the right time and the right place!
One can deal with the anger, and depression, and the anxiety, fatigue, and insomnia and memory loss, not to mention the less intrusive side effects such as headaches, dizzy spells, bloated stomach, and so on..... its all bareable and one can force him/herself to deal with those symptoms until the disapear.... in the right place at the right time in his/her life.... It makes it much harder when you are tackling these things in a time when you have just been hit with an abundance of personal issues... such as closing a business.... now you are forced to battle twice as much stress, depression, anger and so on.... and what makes it harder is that now you have to work at a faster pace... do more things to get your shit in order, but you cannot cause you feel fatigue and you cannot concentrate on multiple tasks that need to be done because you are in that foggy state state of mind......
So i figure instead of bitching about these symptoms as I have been doing.... I would exrpess my thoughts on them .... and possibly take some sort of action.... one way or another.... like I said I am still on the fence.... I want to quit... but I dont think I able to deal with these symptoms AT THIS TIME.... its the weekend.... tomorrow is my day off... I will try to clear my mind of everything and make a descision....
I would like to firstly thank all of my fellow quitters/bloggers for their support....
However I realized something....what I realized is... that I will not hear feedback or comments from the people that gave up on chantix and/or quitting... being that those people are not longer bloggers..... I just sat down and thought about it... if I was to give up right now... I would possibly post another 1 or 2 posts... and then queitly dissapear unnoticed into the 'cloud of smoke'- why would I want to continue blogging here only to get served up on a platter by all of you folks who continue to stay committed.... It would simply make me feel worse, then I would already feel, by submitting to cigarettes.
- OR ON THE OTHER HAND -
Maybe those who gave up on Chantix/Quitting and went back to smoking.... maybe they had thier reasons ("excuses") Maybe they now feel Better and/or Happier... not having to go thru the depresion.... the anger... the anxiety.... the insomnia.... and so on.... maybe they are simply happy to have made that descision.... HOWEVER I do not hear that side of the story as... there are no Active Bloggers on this forum who gave feedback on thier behalf....
Also, this is my very first attempt at quitting.... and maybe just maybe.... aside from the Nasty Withdrawl... and side effects.... maybe the timing is wrong for me to quit right now.... I simply may just have too much on my plate right now.... For crying out loud... I am in the process of Shutting down a 9 year old business which was built from the ground up by my wife and I.... That alone puts a great toll of stress and depression on a human... now throw in the stress and depression that comes with nicotine withdrawl.... and top that off with Chantix which is most probably enhancing those nasty symptoms.....its simply adding fuel to the fire.
What I am saying is .... I know that quitting [smoking] is the way to go.... I want to quit... I need to quit.... however... It might just be a good idea for me to use this first attempt at quitting as a learning expereince.... Go thru the life changes, career changes and so on which I need to go through right now.... and try again... except next time I will know what to be ready for and I will be prepared... my wife will have more knowledge of how her role should be played.... I will choose a time which is less stressful in my life.... and maybe then I would be a successful quitter.
Now I am not saying that I have totally made my mind up on this topic.... I am still on the fence.... which reminds me..... I forgot to take a pill this morning (this is my second time) and while we are on the topic of "remembering"..... Memory loss is also playing a big role in my side effects.... I have already noted in last week's blog that I forgot to turn off the faucet in the kitchen after I turned it on.... But yesterday... just another fine example of memory lapse.... I blanked out when I needed to enter a password for one of my websites... this is a password which I type in EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past year... I mean I never even had to think about it... or even look at the keyboard.... it was engraved in my memory.... and my fingers would automatically click away at the keyboard.....but yesterdayI BLANKED OUT! .... After many tries of entering the wrong password..... I had to litterally get up and walk around my desk as it was frustrating me that I couldne remember it.....then I sat down and had to attempt multiple passwords again until It magically popped back into my head..... and I actually said to myself "OHHH YEAH THATS IT!" That was wierd.... Even in my pot smoking days... I never had memory lapses like that...
So are the symptoms bareable??? Yes.... but in the right time and the right place!
One can deal with the anger, and depression, and the anxiety, fatigue, and insomnia and memory loss, not to mention the less intrusive side effects such as headaches, dizzy spells, bloated stomach, and so on..... its all bareable and one can force him/herself to deal with those symptoms until the disapear.... in the right place at the right time in his/her life.... It makes it much harder when you are tackling these things in a time when you have just been hit with an abundance of personal issues... such as closing a business.... now you are forced to battle twice as much stress, depression, anger and so on.... and what makes it harder is that now you have to work at a faster pace... do more things to get your shit in order, but you cannot cause you feel fatigue and you cannot concentrate on multiple tasks that need to be done because you are in that foggy state state of mind......
So i figure instead of bitching about these symptoms as I have been doing.... I would exrpess my thoughts on them .... and possibly take some sort of action.... one way or another.... like I said I am still on the fence.... I want to quit... but I dont think I able to deal with these symptoms AT THIS TIME.... its the weekend.... tomorrow is my day off... I will try to clear my mind of everything and make a descision....
Thursday, October 18, 2007
October 18th 2007
I have not checked in yesterday as I was simply not in the mood....I seem to keep getting angrier and nastier as each day passes.... yesterday was a peak for me I think.... I was super nasty yesterday...snapped at my wife all day.... snapped at a nieghbor who came into my store, I kind of told him to go f-himself in a nice way.... customers are noticing that I am very tense.... this is really becoming a problem... I realize that not all of this anger and stress is comming from my withdrawl, I do understand that my situation with my career is definetly putting me over the egde... however... a smoke used to be my source of relaxation.... as much as all of us quitters tell ourselves that smoking doesn't do anything for us to calm us down..... and it probably doesnt... but over the years our bodies have become so use to that lie that it actually does believe that its a stress reliever and I think that in a way, psychologically it does turn the volume down quite a bit.... Everyone says "its in your head" and thats exactly where it is and where is should be.... if my brain believes that a smoke will calm me down... then it probably will... and I know that its a matter of reprogramming that belief, however it takes time to rewire was has been programmed over many years.... and unfortunately the side effect of doing so are seriously effecting my daily routines and my life at this point. And I know what you are all thinking.... excuses.... excuses.... excuses...and yes it is an excuse... however this excuse in my eyes is something to put in the forefront of my battle. And I know each of us has that "one" excuse which we believe is the "master of all excuses" but I dont think that this problem compares to "my girlfriend dumped me" or any other excuse which will not have a changing result wether you smoke or not.... In my case its seriously affecting my work...my livelyhood... my bottom line ... which I need to correct in order to put food on the table and pay my mortgage. So its not only effecting me it affecting my family, which is the reason why I decided to quit in the first place.
Not only have I noticed my anger and temper erupt like a volcano.... but there is also another serious problem I am noticing.... I thought that it might have not had anything to do with Chantix... but now I am pretty certain that it does.... I am extremely fatigued all day. I am tired and lazy all day and by the time I get home from work.... my body is so tired, that all I want to do is lay down and dont get up... Notice I said lay down... not Sleep.... as lately, even though I feel very tired, I cannot fall asleep until around 2am. (And guess what else I do when I cant sleep.... EAT! but thats a battle I am willing to fight) However, the laziness and tiredness is also another factor affecting my work... along with other things such as my sex life.... my wife is seriously pissed at me about this.... A) I am very tired when I get home lately, B) the mood that I am in lately is definetly not something that I would call 'horny', C) it seems that I have lost my sex drive from taking these pills and/or from all of the above symptoms which may or may not be direct side effects of Chantix... it may simply be withdrawl symptoms.... but in either case, I am not very happy with where I am right now..... Yes I have been smoke free for over a week... GREAT! but look at all the shit I have to go through to get here and Stay here...I got a feeling that this may only be the beginning of more shit to come.... because I still feel like I have not blown up yet... I feel like things are bottling up and I will evetually expode on someone. I need to avoid that!
I definetly do not want to go back to smoking a pack a day...... so my question is this:
can I stay on Chantix while still having one or two cigarettes a day... when I feel that I need it most. And please dont give me that one leads to a pack line... as I realize that and I am willing to continue to battle against that.... by continuing to take chantix... and fighting the habits.... however maybe, just maybe, that one or two smokes a day will ease at the very least one of symptoms... hopefully the mental one... which makes me very tense, stressed and angry... because as days go by... my wife loses more and more of her willingness to understand my illness.... and keeps bringin up the lack of sex... and I got a bad feeling that she will be the one who I will expode on... and I want to avoid that. As much as she says that she is behind me on my quitting smoking.... she doesnt realize that I am fragile right now and that she has to tippy-toe around me and attempt to keep me calm.... on the contrary she un-intentionally pushes my buttons.... which simply makes me more angry.
I am contemplating the following options...
1- stop taking chantix and go back to smoking (attempting to smoke only a few a day on my own)
2- continueing chantix but smoking a few a day and hope that this eases the problem(s) mentioned above.
3- continue taking chatix for a little longer.... attempt to stay on track.... while taking a chance that I may explode on someoneat work or home... therefore this will not solve any of the problems I mentioned above unless someone with similar expereince tells me that these symptoms will go away VERY SOON
4- I am open to suggestions....
I need advice.... please get this blog exposed to others that you blog with... maybe someone who had similar problems will have some better advice.... other then words of wizdom... I need truly realistic advice.............. thank you in advance.
I have not checked in yesterday as I was simply not in the mood....I seem to keep getting angrier and nastier as each day passes.... yesterday was a peak for me I think.... I was super nasty yesterday...snapped at my wife all day.... snapped at a nieghbor who came into my store, I kind of told him to go f-himself in a nice way.... customers are noticing that I am very tense.... this is really becoming a problem... I realize that not all of this anger and stress is comming from my withdrawl, I do understand that my situation with my career is definetly putting me over the egde... however... a smoke used to be my source of relaxation.... as much as all of us quitters tell ourselves that smoking doesn't do anything for us to calm us down..... and it probably doesnt... but over the years our bodies have become so use to that lie that it actually does believe that its a stress reliever and I think that in a way, psychologically it does turn the volume down quite a bit.... Everyone says "its in your head" and thats exactly where it is and where is should be.... if my brain believes that a smoke will calm me down... then it probably will... and I know that its a matter of reprogramming that belief, however it takes time to rewire was has been programmed over many years.... and unfortunately the side effect of doing so are seriously effecting my daily routines and my life at this point. And I know what you are all thinking.... excuses.... excuses.... excuses...and yes it is an excuse... however this excuse in my eyes is something to put in the forefront of my battle. And I know each of us has that "one" excuse which we believe is the "master of all excuses" but I dont think that this problem compares to "my girlfriend dumped me" or any other excuse which will not have a changing result wether you smoke or not.... In my case its seriously affecting my work...my livelyhood... my bottom line ... which I need to correct in order to put food on the table and pay my mortgage. So its not only effecting me it affecting my family, which is the reason why I decided to quit in the first place.
Not only have I noticed my anger and temper erupt like a volcano.... but there is also another serious problem I am noticing.... I thought that it might have not had anything to do with Chantix... but now I am pretty certain that it does.... I am extremely fatigued all day. I am tired and lazy all day and by the time I get home from work.... my body is so tired, that all I want to do is lay down and dont get up... Notice I said lay down... not Sleep.... as lately, even though I feel very tired, I cannot fall asleep until around 2am. (And guess what else I do when I cant sleep.... EAT! but thats a battle I am willing to fight) However, the laziness and tiredness is also another factor affecting my work... along with other things such as my sex life.... my wife is seriously pissed at me about this.... A) I am very tired when I get home lately, B) the mood that I am in lately is definetly not something that I would call 'horny', C) it seems that I have lost my sex drive from taking these pills and/or from all of the above symptoms which may or may not be direct side effects of Chantix... it may simply be withdrawl symptoms.... but in either case, I am not very happy with where I am right now..... Yes I have been smoke free for over a week... GREAT! but look at all the shit I have to go through to get here and Stay here...I got a feeling that this may only be the beginning of more shit to come.... because I still feel like I have not blown up yet... I feel like things are bottling up and I will evetually expode on someone. I need to avoid that!
I definetly do not want to go back to smoking a pack a day...... so my question is this:
can I stay on Chantix while still having one or two cigarettes a day... when I feel that I need it most. And please dont give me that one leads to a pack line... as I realize that and I am willing to continue to battle against that.... by continuing to take chantix... and fighting the habits.... however maybe, just maybe, that one or two smokes a day will ease at the very least one of symptoms... hopefully the mental one... which makes me very tense, stressed and angry... because as days go by... my wife loses more and more of her willingness to understand my illness.... and keeps bringin up the lack of sex... and I got a bad feeling that she will be the one who I will expode on... and I want to avoid that. As much as she says that she is behind me on my quitting smoking.... she doesnt realize that I am fragile right now and that she has to tippy-toe around me and attempt to keep me calm.... on the contrary she un-intentionally pushes my buttons.... which simply makes me more angry.
I am contemplating the following options...
1- stop taking chantix and go back to smoking (attempting to smoke only a few a day on my own)
2- continueing chantix but smoking a few a day and hope that this eases the problem(s) mentioned above.
3- continue taking chatix for a little longer.... attempt to stay on track.... while taking a chance that I may explode on someoneat work or home... therefore this will not solve any of the problems I mentioned above unless someone with similar expereince tells me that these symptoms will go away VERY SOON
4- I am open to suggestions....
I need advice.... please get this blog exposed to others that you blog with... maybe someone who had similar problems will have some better advice.... other then words of wizdom... I need truly realistic advice.............. thank you in advance.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
October 16th 2007 -
I came in to work today and realized that I forgot my pill at home... and thought "Shit! how will I make it through the day????" I guess I am fine! But what do I do now ?? do I just skip it? or do I take 2 when I get home ? If I recall correctly the packaging says to "take it as soon as you remember" but that will be at the time I should be taking the second pill.... what do I do???
Pleaes advise....
I came in to work today and realized that I forgot my pill at home... and thought "Shit! how will I make it through the day????" I guess I am fine! But what do I do now ?? do I just skip it? or do I take 2 when I get home ? If I recall correctly the packaging says to "take it as soon as you remember" but that will be at the time I should be taking the second pill.... what do I do???
Pleaes advise....
Monday, October 15, 2007
October 15th 2007
So its been a week that I am smoke free.... its easier then I thought it would be... Yet still VERY difficult! Not only have I gone through many changes during this week, I have become a non-smoker, which is a good thing... however I have become very moody and easily angered, which is a bad thing... I am constantly stressed and always on the edge... I have also become a less fun person to be around due to these factors.... My jaw and teeth are hurting form all the chewing I have been doing to combat the habits that come with smoking... and now I hit a brick wall with my career... this has nothign to do with my quitting smoking it it may have a lot to do with my going back to it in the near future.
In order to not get into details... I will simply say that I have been forced to take a new career path... what that path will be is still a mystery to me, however the fact remains that in the near future, I will no longer be doing what I have been doing for the past 9 years. Again I need to stress that this has nothing to do with my quitting smoking... it really has to do with our crappy ecomony and vast changes of the location where my business is located. I seems as though the people with money have all moved and taken the money trail our of the neighborhood. Today a neighborhood which used to be typically Italian & Jewish is mainly turned into something I like to refer to as 'China Town'. Not that I have anything against Chinese people... well.... thats a different topic... as they are killing every Industry with their low cost - Low Quality Goods... which in turn... in a bad economy is what people tend to purchase as they cannot afford American made or European, better Quality products. Which in turn is another problem in itself... as with todays extremely high rents in the retail sectors... you must sell quantity instead of quality in order to be semi-successful... Now I am comming from a business known for its high quality merchandise... and since the change of environments from (middle to high income residents) to (Low to middle income residents) my merchandise and business have become obsolete, as the problem lies in the middle income residents being chinese folks who really arent spenders and when they do spend ....they only do business with thier own kind... and for me to take on another expense of hiring someone who looks and speaks chinese...is just not an option at this point.... so it seems that I will be cutting my losses and shutting my business down....
The only reason I am even discussing this personal matter on a blog dedicated to Chantix and Not Smoking is because I have a feeling that this will put me through some major stress and depression as it is quite sad that I need to close up something that has been put together with my own hands (with the help of my wife ofcourse)... I got a bad feeling that this whill be the downfall to my non-smoking days.... and unfortuantely this will come sooner then I had enticipated.... maybe if i set my mind to becoming a social smoker I will be able to overcome the pack-a-day addiction which I am fighting so hard to overcome.
To Be Continued....
So its been a week that I am smoke free.... its easier then I thought it would be... Yet still VERY difficult! Not only have I gone through many changes during this week, I have become a non-smoker, which is a good thing... however I have become very moody and easily angered, which is a bad thing... I am constantly stressed and always on the edge... I have also become a less fun person to be around due to these factors.... My jaw and teeth are hurting form all the chewing I have been doing to combat the habits that come with smoking... and now I hit a brick wall with my career... this has nothign to do with my quitting smoking it it may have a lot to do with my going back to it in the near future.
In order to not get into details... I will simply say that I have been forced to take a new career path... what that path will be is still a mystery to me, however the fact remains that in the near future, I will no longer be doing what I have been doing for the past 9 years. Again I need to stress that this has nothing to do with my quitting smoking... it really has to do with our crappy ecomony and vast changes of the location where my business is located. I seems as though the people with money have all moved and taken the money trail our of the neighborhood. Today a neighborhood which used to be typically Italian & Jewish is mainly turned into something I like to refer to as 'China Town'. Not that I have anything against Chinese people... well.... thats a different topic... as they are killing every Industry with their low cost - Low Quality Goods... which in turn... in a bad economy is what people tend to purchase as they cannot afford American made or European, better Quality products. Which in turn is another problem in itself... as with todays extremely high rents in the retail sectors... you must sell quantity instead of quality in order to be semi-successful... Now I am comming from a business known for its high quality merchandise... and since the change of environments from (middle to high income residents) to (Low to middle income residents) my merchandise and business have become obsolete, as the problem lies in the middle income residents being chinese folks who really arent spenders and when they do spend ....they only do business with thier own kind... and for me to take on another expense of hiring someone who looks and speaks chinese...is just not an option at this point.... so it seems that I will be cutting my losses and shutting my business down....
The only reason I am even discussing this personal matter on a blog dedicated to Chantix and Not Smoking is because I have a feeling that this will put me through some major stress and depression as it is quite sad that I need to close up something that has been put together with my own hands (with the help of my wife ofcourse)... I got a bad feeling that this whill be the downfall to my non-smoking days.... and unfortuantely this will come sooner then I had enticipated.... maybe if i set my mind to becoming a social smoker I will be able to overcome the pack-a-day addiction which I am fighting so hard to overcome.
To Be Continued....
Sunday, October 14, 2007
October 14th 2007 - I have not checked in yesterday as I was home and it seems that my daughter (or wife) dropped my laptop at home and broke it.... Therefore I had no means of getting onlie yesterday... but all went ok...
Today is day 7 - Smoke Free - I cannot beleive I am saying it.... 7 days without a cigarette... thats a whole week under my belt now.... and to be honest.... on one hand... I do feel better and breathe better on the other hand I STILL WANT A CIGARETTE.... really badly at times.... you know those peak moments... after dinner... with coffee.... when I see someone else smoking... or as a reward for a completed project.... but I keep hanging in there....and fighting the urge.....
I would like to hear from those who have been in my position and have actually smoked that one cigarette after become a non-smoker..... did it make you want more... or was it nasty and it made it easier to continue without any more bumps in the road???
Today is day 7 - Smoke Free - I cannot beleive I am saying it.... 7 days without a cigarette... thats a whole week under my belt now.... and to be honest.... on one hand... I do feel better and breathe better on the other hand I STILL WANT A CIGARETTE.... really badly at times.... you know those peak moments... after dinner... with coffee.... when I see someone else smoking... or as a reward for a completed project.... but I keep hanging in there....and fighting the urge.....
I would like to hear from those who have been in my position and have actually smoked that one cigarette after become a non-smoker..... did it make you want more... or was it nasty and it made it easier to continue without any more bumps in the road???
Thursday, October 11, 2007
October 11 2007 - 5pm
I really had nothing new to add from yesterdays blog other then I am still smoke free, but it seems to be getting harder as the realization of me not picking up another cigarette is putting a damper on things.... maybe I am not meant to completely quit just yet... is it so wrong if I become a social smoker... you know after a few drinks, or have one after dinner.... obviously never go back to smoking over a pack a day... or is that a false truth.... will I end up where I started.... smoking a pack a day.... this thought keeps running through my mind... as I keep getting the cravings... the more these thoughts of having just 1 cigarette run across my mind.
I would not be the cranky, snappy, irritated mother f*cker I think that I have become since I quit. Yes I said it.... up until now I have stayed quiet about this... but the truth must come out... my wife has been telling me that I have become cranky.... and that I snap at insigificant things... but NOW my customers at work are telling me that I seem irritated and cranky. So I start to think will I feel better if I knew that I had a "reward" comming to me at the end of the day. At least thats what worked the when I first started quitting with Chantix... the first week I significantly cut down and I was able to keep cutting down with the thought of.... "I will hold off for another hour"... then unwillingly it turned into 3 or 4, but at the end I knew that I would have that desire fulfilled eventually. I would have my smoke! And maybe, just maybe if I do decide to "unofficially quit" by having that one cigarette at the end of the day... I may turn away from it and decide that I can do without it. As of right now ... I began to smell the stench of cigarette smoke... pedestrians walk past my store smoking, and when I have my door open I smell it.... if a customer walks in after just having a cigarette... they stink... and I finally smell it ... thats how I used to stink... which is why I may just decide to quit thereafter. And lately thanks to Chantix while I was still smoking the cigarettes were undesirable... they even tasted differently.
Maybe if I knew that I will have that one smoke, it just might calm my nerves.... This might be well worth trying. Hell at this point I even understand those who would tell me otherwise... but maybe they are not in the same situation as I am... maybe they are a stay at home mom who has no customers frustrating her, or maybe its someone that works in an office in front of a computer all day with no outside comunication other then the actaul computer.... but in my case I deal with people all day... everyday.... and Its one thing to piss off my wife... at least she knows why Im crabby and 'tries' to understand... but customers/clients pay my bills. And as nice as I try to be lately, my facial expression tells a different story. I see it myself... I seem tense and constatnly chewing on a plastic toothpick or straw. Its either that or I eat... and we already had that discussion. I really dont want to smoke...well, not the way I did before and I dont know if i want to smoke at all but..... If KNOWING that I can have that one cigarette at the end of the day... might help in the issue I described above....................SCREW THAT I WILL KEEP TRYING.... BUT THAT THOUGHT KEEPS POPPING UP ON A REGULAR.
I really had nothing new to add from yesterdays blog other then I am still smoke free, but it seems to be getting harder as the realization of me not picking up another cigarette is putting a damper on things.... maybe I am not meant to completely quit just yet... is it so wrong if I become a social smoker... you know after a few drinks, or have one after dinner.... obviously never go back to smoking over a pack a day... or is that a false truth.... will I end up where I started.... smoking a pack a day.... this thought keeps running through my mind... as I keep getting the cravings... the more these thoughts of having just 1 cigarette run across my mind.
I would not be the cranky, snappy, irritated mother f*cker I think that I have become since I quit. Yes I said it.... up until now I have stayed quiet about this... but the truth must come out... my wife has been telling me that I have become cranky.... and that I snap at insigificant things... but NOW my customers at work are telling me that I seem irritated and cranky. So I start to think will I feel better if I knew that I had a "reward" comming to me at the end of the day. At least thats what worked the when I first started quitting with Chantix... the first week I significantly cut down and I was able to keep cutting down with the thought of.... "I will hold off for another hour"... then unwillingly it turned into 3 or 4, but at the end I knew that I would have that desire fulfilled eventually. I would have my smoke! And maybe, just maybe if I do decide to "unofficially quit" by having that one cigarette at the end of the day... I may turn away from it and decide that I can do without it. As of right now ... I began to smell the stench of cigarette smoke... pedestrians walk past my store smoking, and when I have my door open I smell it.... if a customer walks in after just having a cigarette... they stink... and I finally smell it ... thats how I used to stink... which is why I may just decide to quit thereafter. And lately thanks to Chantix while I was still smoking the cigarettes were undesirable... they even tasted differently.
Maybe if I knew that I will have that one smoke, it just might calm my nerves.... This might be well worth trying. Hell at this point I even understand those who would tell me otherwise... but maybe they are not in the same situation as I am... maybe they are a stay at home mom who has no customers frustrating her, or maybe its someone that works in an office in front of a computer all day with no outside comunication other then the actaul computer.... but in my case I deal with people all day... everyday.... and Its one thing to piss off my wife... at least she knows why Im crabby and 'tries' to understand... but customers/clients pay my bills. And as nice as I try to be lately, my facial expression tells a different story. I see it myself... I seem tense and constatnly chewing on a plastic toothpick or straw. Its either that or I eat... and we already had that discussion. I really dont want to smoke...well, not the way I did before and I dont know if i want to smoke at all but..... If KNOWING that I can have that one cigarette at the end of the day... might help in the issue I described above....................SCREW THAT I WILL KEEP TRYING.... BUT THAT THOUGHT KEEPS POPPING UP ON A REGULAR.
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